me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Saturday
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
How it started: How it’s going:
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”