Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Never let them know your next move 😂
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week