The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
What’s so funny?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Wikigenius
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”