Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The Sun
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!