grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?