When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there