Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it