*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn鈥檛 seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they鈥檙e in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she鈥檚 had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that鈥檚 annie, she鈥檒l find it wherever she goes
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
don鈥檛 care who let the cat out of the bag. who鈥檚 puttin cats in bags
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could鈥檝e gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would鈥檝e gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Halloween is the best because it鈥檚 the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we鈥檝e been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”