My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that