Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)