The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
You Might Also Like
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.