I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.