My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You Might Also Like
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
New tinder profile pic
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup