Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send