WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
how to market bottled water to dads
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.