Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
In banana years, I am bread.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.