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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.