Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
This is the coolest video you will see today.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.