VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
How high do the levels go?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.