Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Denise please return my vape pen
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Thursday