i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Always the camel, never the toe.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms