Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses