Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
What a website
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.