11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.