Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well