My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.