“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.