I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Lmao 🤣
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone