She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.