Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Just a bush.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.