“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Smooooooth
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*launders Kohls cash*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I think this cat is broken
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano