astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
You Might Also Like
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy