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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Children of the corn 🌽
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.