#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
How to wake up a Beagle
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Just got to our Airbnb!
guilty
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.