Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.