My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake