My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
no!! no!!!!!!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along