I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.