her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.