Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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Me if I was a dog
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
listen closely
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses