Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing