I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”