Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir