ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is