RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.