Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me too
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday