judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15