Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids