If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Holy shit he’s back