Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
uncle dave has been through hell
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Breaking news:
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
He took my last fry, your honor
How I like cutting carbs
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.